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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

642
One Of My turns

I'm Becoming An Expert in Escaping!

Previously
Everytime I happened to escape from myself and The people around me,
I used to go Hiking on mountains,
Or Rambling in the Sick sad Streets and Pedestrians.
But Last time, I Bought A Ticket And visited One of The Gardens of The City which also had a palace.

I am Sure That It was drizzling that day
I was sitting in a cozy corner Staring at the clouds and the Plants
listening to the voices of a man in my head
who I Am sure He was Exaclty talking about
things like: "Skating on a Thin ice of modern life"
"Bricks in the Wall"
"The Cruel Maternal Kindness"
and...

I Am Just Not Sure, if There were somebody there, behind the bushes watchin me, asking himself:
What is that guy doing there?

***

Anyway...
I'm Becoming An Expert!

This Time, I wont go hiking, I wont go Rambling in the sad Streets and Pedestrians either, Neither visiting a Garden,
This Time I've got A Shelter!
A Desolated Shelter
A cold Freezing one
But Which can Keep me Away From things.
I Might even Fall in love with Its Window!

A Shelter
Just like those Huts we Used to Make with Bricks When We Were child...i

دارم يك فراري كاركشته ميشم!

اون موقع ها
هر بار كه از خودم و آدم هاي دوروبرم فرار ميكردم
يا ميرفتم كوه،
يا آوارهء خيابون ها و پياده روهاي غمگين مي شدم،
آخرين بارش هم بليت خريدم رفتم توي يكي از باغ هاي شهر كه يه كاخ داشت اون وسط.

مطمئنم اون روز عصر بارون نم نم ميزد
و من نشسته بودم يه گوشه، خيره به ابرها و بوته و درخت ها
و به صداي مردي توي گوشم گوش ميكردم
كه مطمئنم داشت در مورد "اسكيت كردن روي يخ نازك زندگي مدرن"
"ديوارها و آجرها"
"مهرباني بيرحمانهء مادرانه"
و...
حرف مي زد!

در مورد اون روز
فقط مطمئن نيستم كه كسي از اون پشت بوته ها من رو پاييده و از خودش سوال كرده باشه:
اون پسره اونجا تنها چي كار مي كنه؟

***

در هر صورت
دارم كاركشته ميشم!

اين دفعه نه به كوه ميزنم، نه به خيابون ها و نه به باغي جايي،
ايندفعه يك سرپناه دارم!
يك سرپناه متروك
يك سرپناه يخ، سرد،
اما آنقدر اميدوار كننده كه من را از خيلي چيزها در امان خواهد گذاشت
تازه!
شايد عاشق پنجره اش هم شدم!

يك سرپناه
درســـــت مثل خونه هاي آجري دوران بچگي...

Monday, January 28, 2008

641
Imagine

Only In Iran:

A Restaurant With Chinese Cuisine,
With Indian CHef,
Serving you:

Iranian Kebab*i

It's The Same For The oil Ministry For Example...!

* - A Specially Barbecued piece of Meat i

فقط در ايران:

يك رستوران چيني،
سرآشپز هندي،
غذاي سرو شده:

كباب ايراني!!!

همچنين است در مورد مثلا وزارت خانهء...!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

640
Amputechture

The Generation of "PeopleoSaurous Rex" es Havent Faced Extinction.

They Still Feel like Love With the First Snow of the Year
Feel Horny By Summer Air
And Depressed on Rainy Days!

May One Of them Claw our body once again.

نسل Peopleosaurous Rexها منقرض نشده است.

آن ها هنوز با بارش اولين برف زمستاني عاشق مي شوند
با گرماي تابستان شهوتي
و در روزهاي باراني افسرده!

شايد يكي از آن ها دوباره بدن من و تو را چنگ بزنند.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

639
I Am The President

I Do Apologize!

You Really Cant be hopeful to The Process of restraining Irregular production of Idiots, Dogmatics and Extremists, Etc.
in A Land Where "Condom" Is officially Considered as One of the Main keywords that Leads a website to blockage!i

من معذرت مي خوام!

در كشوري كه در آن به طور رسمي به "كاندوم" به عنوان يكي از واژه هاي كليدي براي فيلتر شدن صفحه اي از اينترنت نگاه مي شود،
نمي توان به جلوگيري از توليد بي رويهء آدم هاي احمق، متعصب و بعضا تروريست اميدي داشت!

Monday, January 21, 2008

638
Complete Idiot's Guide For Going Abroad!!
i

You know idiot? These Are All My Experiments and Observations of the lives of me and my relatives and my kind of people (mostly Iranian) that I want To share with You.
With This Presupposition that They All are aware of the fact that There is No such Dreamy thing going on out of Iran, ACtually, But they still Choose to go Abroad.

***

Everything Starts When
You choose to entrust yourself to The Storm Of Life, And Try to Survive.

And Then, You Leave your Father's house with a backpack, in a Heavy Day,
and You go live as roommates with one, two or more of your friends...
And You go through So many things...

You Face and Wrestle With So many Problems, Difficulties and Restrictions,
socially, Financially, etc...
Every Day,
Every Morning,
Every Noon,
In The Bus,
In taxi,
in subway,
in Pedestrians,
in streets
in the Shops ofcourse,

And When You get used to all these,
You probably go Abroad...

When There, You dont fear of the whole new place that much,
you already know the problems and situations,
And you try to get along with it.

Then The only thing that you do is
Understanding, and knowing the new way of living.

Yes! You Learn and You Do Feel the Life Now,
And You Are Actually Living the life!
instead of sitting at your dad's house in Iran
thinkin about the General Things like: Religion, Politics, Lies, human Rights
and almost Every single thing that prevents you from
feeling every single day and things going on around you with your quintuplet senses,
Things like:
Hearing The Voice of the Man in the Picture on the wall,
or the Blabberings of Your Dog,
or the great personality of your Champagne Glasses,
or the Harmony in The Black colour of the Swimming suit of that lady with her white skin, taking sunbath near you.
or the warmth in the touch of the sun on your skin, while lying on sea shore...

Then its the time when...
That Night,
You gather together in a Bar or Disco with the new people who have changed your life,
And instead of drinking to forget those Crazy thoughts in your head,
You Drink To Your own self, To All those efforts you have made all these time, To Tomorrow, and All these friends even some will remain temporarily.
You Celebrate with them
and Drink For Joy and you all go nuts and Drunk!

That's Exactly the moment when Time And days find their meanings:
You've got to work for 5 days from tomorrow morning
and spending the 2 day weekend with friends...i

مي دوني ايديت! اين ها تجربيات و مشاهدات من از نوع زندگي آدم هايي (بيشتر ايراني) چون من و دوستان و نزديكانمه كه مي خوام باهات در ميون بذارم.
با اين پيش فرض كه آن ها مي دانند خارج از ايران هيچ رويايي در حال روي دادن نيست، با اين حال سعي مي كنند بروند.

***

همه چيز از آن جا شروع مي شود
كه تو تصميم مي گيري خودت رو به طوفان زندگي بسپاري و سعي كني باقي بموني!

بعد توي يه روز سنگين، خونهء پدري ات را با يك كوله پشتي ترك مي كني،
با يك، دو يا چند تا دوست هم خونه ميشي...
و اتفاقات زيادي برات ميوفته...

با مشكلات و محدوديت هاي زيادي سروكله ميزني، كاري، مالي، اجتماعي...
هر روز،
هر صبح،
هر ظهر،
توي اتوبوس،
توي تاكسي،
توي مترو،
توي پياده رو،
توي مغازه ها،

و وقتي به همهء اين ها عادت كردي
خارج هم ميري...

اون جا تو نسبت به محيط جديد ترس نداري
تو ديگر مشكلات رو مي شناسي
و باهاشون كناري مياي.

اون وقت تنها كاري كه مي كني
فهميدن نوع و نحوهء زندگيه.

بله! حالا تو ديگر زندگي رو درك مي كني،
و زندگي را داري زندگي مي كني!
به جاي اينكه نشسته باشي در خانهء پدري ات در ايران
و در حال فكر كردن به كلياتي چون: مذهب، سياست، دروغ ها، حقوق انساني و شهروندي
و كلا چيزهايي باشي كه تو را باز ميدارد از اينكه
هر يك روز دنيا و جيزهايي كه دوروبرت اتفاق مي افتد را با حس هاي پنج گانه ات درك كني،
چيزهايي چون:
شنيدن صحبت هاي مرد توي تابلو،
يا وراجي هاي سگت،
شخصيت والاي ليوان هاي شامپاينت،
هارموني مايوي مشكي با پوست سفيد دختري كه كنار تو دارد حمام آفتاب ميگيرد،
يا گرمي نوازش آفتاب روي پوستت در كنار ساحل...

آن وقت است كه...
همان شب،
با آدم هاي جديد اطرافت كه زندگيت رو برات تغيير دادن جمع مي شيد توي يه "بار" يا "ديسكو"
و به جاي مشروب نوشيدن براي فراموش كردن افكار و ديوانگي هاي توي مغزت
به افتخار خودت، تمام تلاش هاي اين چند وقتت، فرداها، و تمام اين دوستان حال حاضرت حتي اگر موقتي
جشن مي گيري
از فرط شادي مي نوشي و همه با هم سرمست مي شويد و مي شوي!

اين دقيقا همان وقتي است كه زمان و روزهاي هفته معنا دار ميشود:
از فردا به مدت 5 روز كار
و بعد 2 روز آخر هفته با دوستان...

Saturday, January 19, 2008

637
Welcome To The Machine

I Saw a Mermaid Who Told Me...

***

The word "Iran" Doesn't Start With "I"!
Actually It Starts With: "With Our Regards To The Soul Of the Originator Of The Islamic Republic, And With Wishes For Longevity For The Present Major Ruler Of our Revolution, and our Condolence For The Anniversary OfMArtyrdom of Imam Hossein..." * and Stuff like that.

One might attempt to Choke Himself By that spite in his throat
and unlike the Promises he has made to his father
He Might Weep A few tears, as the little child he has inside.
Afterall, Dark Men** Are Scary you know!
Those Black People Who Are Waiting at the other end to Hug, take and Drag him Down, to their own dark world...

No Matter how Hardass One might be
When Someone's dull, He's just Dull and no matter how old he might be, He is As breakable as an Innocent child.

***

...Swim To The Surface Idiot, Swim Up To The Surface!

-----------------------------------------

Ps.: Flash Back To 3 years (lunar) ago, The Same Day, The Day Idiot Came Back to his People.

* - The speech they gave when you are in one of Iranian Flights

** - According to THIS COMMENT And The Silly Misunderstanding I might have put you through, I Think I have to Apologize and Explain that "The Black Men" In the note is the Metaphore For "Shia' Mourners For Their "Imam hossein" one of their holy characters.

** - "Black Men" Change into "Dark Men"

WE DO CONDEMN ANY KIND OF RACISM, STRONGLY!i

من يك "پري دريايي" ديدم كه گفت...

***

"ايران" با "ايـ" شروع نمي شود!
"ايران" با "با درود به روح پر فتوح بنيانگذار جمهوري اسلامي و با آرزوي طول عمر براي رهبر معظم انقلاب، و با تسليت به مناسبت شهادت سالار شهيدان حضرت ابـاعـبدالله الحـسين..." و از اين چيزها شروع مي شود.

آدم ممكن است با بغض قصد خفه كردن خودش را داشته باشد
و از قول كودك درونش و خلاف قول هايي كه در بچگي به پدرش داده است
چند قطره اشك هم بريزد...
آخر آدم هاي سياه پوش ترس دارند، خب!
آدم هايي سياهي كه آن سر ديگر منتظرند تا تو را در آغوش بگيرند و تو را پايين بكشند، در جمع خودشان...

حالا هر چقدر هم كه آدم كله شق باشد،
وقتي آدم متاثر است، متاثر است ديگر و چنين آدمي هر چند سالش هم كه باشد در حد و اندازهء يك بچهء بي گناه شكننده مي شود.

***

...به سطح آب شنا كن ايديت، به سطح آب شنا كن!

پي نوشت: فلش بك به 3 سال پيش، بازگشت به ميان مردم قابلمه به دست، در چنين روزي از سال قمري.
636
Eyeless

You Don't Find Imam Hossein In Arab Countries!
You See Or Hear Nothing About Him
The Same reason You Can't See California Without Marlon Brando's Eyes

شما امـام حسـيـن را در كشورهاي عربي پيدا نمي كنيد!
چيزي در مورد ايشان نمي بينيد و نمي شنويد،
به همون دليل كه نميشه "كاليفرنيا" رو بدون چشمان "مارلون براندو" ديد!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

635
Substance D

That Big Guy,
Afterall We shall Call Him "You" too.i

اون آدم گندهه،
اول و آخرش اونو هم بايد"تو" صدا كنيم، خب.

Monday, January 14, 2008

634
Fatal Error

Today I am Reborned!

So Simple...
I Injected A Dose Of Fresh Air Into My Veins!i

امروز دوباره متولد شدم من!

خيلي ساده...
دوزي از هواي تازه به رگ هايم تزريق كردم!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

633
Tell Me, Who Has Ever Written A Sentence With 3 "On" In it?!i

Saving Paper Is Saving Environment!
So If You have a Mirror Breaking Look, Don't Waste The Papers By Writing Down Your Number On and On, On It.

صرفه جويي در مصرف كاغذ، نجات محيط زندگي ماست!
پس اگر قيافهء‌ غير قابل تحملي داريد، لااقل اين قدر شماره تلفن هاتون رو روي كاغذ ننويسيد!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

632
Sold Me?

I Hate Parties!

I Hate Those Kind OF Parties Which You Dance with almost every Single Girl, You're With Everybody But You're simply with Nobody!

I Hate That Time When Girls Take Off THeir Boots and Shoes After 3 AM, and Dance Barefoot, Half Drunk, With THose Sexy Legs, Yeah! I Love To Hate That!

I hate it When I Have No Other Choice But To Drink so Much that I Would not understand What the hell Really is Going on with me!

I hate it, Smoking with the Landlady one Cigarette after another and Forget: "Dude! You Were not a Smoker!" Yeah! I Hate it!

I Hate THe HAngover I HAve from the party that I hated, The Noon after, When I wake up!

But Hey BoY!
Its So Invidious That I Hate Everything And You Dont!
So You REally Have got to HAte Me!
At Least For Stealing Your Taaaaasty Girlfriend For a Couple of minutes, When You Were Down Stairs!

من از پارتي متنفرم!

از اون پارتي هايي كه تقريبا با همهء دختراش مي رقصي، با همه هستي و در عين حال با هيچ كدوم نيستي، متنفرم!

از صحنه اي كه دخترهاش كه بعد از ساعت 3 بوت هاشونو در ميارن، و نيمه مست با پاهاي برهنه، ساق هاي سكسي و جذاب، مي رقصند هم، آره! به اون هم دوست دارم تنفر بورزم!

از اينكه چاره اي نداشته باشم جز اينكه اونقدر مشروب بخورم كه ندونم واقعا چي داره مي گذره هم متنفرم!

از اينكه در مستي با زن صاحب خونه يكي بعد از ديگري سيگار بكشم و يادم بره: "پسر، تو كه سيگاري نبودي!"، از اين هم متنفرم!

من از سرگيجهء صبح فرداي پارتي اي كه ازش متنفر بودم هم متنفرم!

اما پسر!
اين خيلي نفرت انگيزه كه من به همه چيز نفرت بورزم و تو هيچي!
تو هم از من متنفر باش
حداقل به اين دليل كه وقتي تو پايين بودي، من براي چند دقيقه دوست دختر خــــــــــوش طعمت رو دزديدم!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

631
Freaks, Creeps, Fags, Weirdos, Perverts, Pricks, and Whatever The Hell You could Ever Call someone you always hated

You Know What Man?
We Should Accept
That You And I Lost Our Way.

On The Left side, We Never Got Along With Iranian Girls And Their Unique Morales
On The Other side, We Were Always Having This Goddamn Fear and Presentiment, Not To Screw up our Relationship with those Girls who Dont speak/understand our Persian words!

This so called Hot thing Inside us, Freaking out the first Group
Seemed like a Boring Routine for the other one!

And We Were never dared
Which Way to choose
Left Or Right?
We Just Stood There At The Crossing and Shouted:
Which Way To Goooo...??

***

You know Buddy?
Sometimes I really Dont Get it
These Damn Bitches Speak Nothing But A Whole lot of Nonsense.

For Example, The Last Time I Went To A Cafe With a Girl
I Sat there for 37 Boring Minutes, Staring At a Girl
Whom I have no Idea Where the Hell She Got All That Fucking Cocky Aplomb From,
Maybe it was The White "Zara" Fur
Anyway, All the time She was talking about Right Ways of Treating HER, HER Desires, HER Expectations, HER Wants and Needs, and HER Hundreds of Reasons She is Still Stick With Me (!!!).

I really was ashamed Of Using these words, Telling Her: "FUCK OFF BITCH!",
So I Poured My Coffee All Over Her Cocky Aplomb, Such an Unaccidental Spoil, you know!
And Left The Table, The bitch And The Whole Damn Place in Front Of All those Shocked Staring Eyes.
And I Got in The car
And Throw My Ringing Cell Phone in The back seat
Turned up the Music as much as possible
and Drove Home,
like a berserk escaping From Bedlam With a Car.

Eversince,
I never Dared to have a coffee there again.

See?
I Always used to say That this Society Will finally absorb us in it's Damn self.
Look At Me Now! I've finally, Totally Become One of the Million Retarded, Neurotic, Impatient Iranian Bastards.

Dude, I've unimaginably, inconceivably Become this Defiant Bonehead, Recently!
I Have no Fear of encountering Law, Besides I Enjoy Doing So!
Although I Never let them Bust My Ass!

***

Yeah Man!
I Do know You are more playing the Bloody Game Of survival in that Damned City
notwithstanding of all those tiny promotions you have achieved after leaving your family for your own personal life
And this is not sth to be called LIFE
But Afterall
It seems that you are happy with it
And I'm Happy For You!
I cross My Fingers and also Wish God Would help you find that tiny Canny you've lost in your head for years in the stuff you do as business!
And I hope that You and Ritt Would spend great time together.
She Seems to be such a nice Girl
And I Really Would like to meet her someday!

No More Words to say Man!
Take care!i

مي دوني رفيق!
بايد قبول كنيم
كه من و تو راهمون رو گم كرديم.

از اين طرف، ما هيچ وقت نتونستيم با دخترهاي ايراني كنار بياييم و با روحيات عجيب شون كنار بيايم
از اون طرف همه اش توي اين ترس و دلهرهء لعنتي بوديم كه به رابطه ها مون با اون دخترهاي زبون فارسي نفهم گند نزنيم.

گرم مزاجي ما باعث ترس يك گروه
و در عين حال چيزي روتين براي دستهء‌ ديگه

آخرش هم نفهميديم
از اين طرف؟ از اون طرف؟
ايستاديم سر دوراهي و داد زديم:
از كدوووم طرف بالاخره؟؟

***

مي دوني رفيق؟
بعضي وقت ها من واقعا درك نمي كنم
توي حرف هاي اين دخترهاي غرغروي لعنتي، هيچي نيست جز يه مشت مزخرف

مثلا آخرين باري كه با يه دختره توي كافي شاپ نشسته بودم
37 دقيقهء كسل كننده زل زده بودم به دختري
كه نمي دونم اون همه اعتماد بنفس كذايي اش را از پالتوي سفيد خز "Zara"ش كسب كرده بود يا چي
كه تمام اين مدت داشت به من از نحوهء درست رفتار كردن با او و توقعات او و خواسته هاي او و هزار و يك دليل كه او داره با من كنار مياد (!!!) مي گفت!

من روم نشد بهش بگم: Fuck Off بابا!
اما به جاش، كاپ قهوه ام رو پاشيدم روي اعتماد به نفسش!
و در برابر چشمان از حدقه درآمدهء همهء آدم هاي اونجا بلند شدم و كافي شاپ رو ترك كردم.

توي ماشين نشستم
موبايلم كه پشت سر هم زنگ مي خورد رو پرت كردم صندلي عقب
صداي موزيك ماشين رو زياد كردم
و مثل ديوانه هايي كه دارن با ماشين از ديوانه خانه فرار مي كنند
آمدم خانه.

از اون موقع تا حالا
پامو نذاشتم توي اون كافي شاپ.

مي بيني پسر؟
گفته بودم آخرش جامعه ما رو توي خودش حل مي كنه،
آخرش من هم شدم يكي ديگه از همهء اون ميليون ها ايراني كله خراب عصبي بي مغز و بي حوصله.

تازگي ها به طرز غير قابل تصوري كله خراب شدم.
از درگير شدن با قانون نه تنها نمي ترسم، حتي لذت هم مي برم!
اگرچه نمي ذارم دستشون به باسنم برسه!

***

هي پسر!
مي دونم علي رغم تمام اين پيشرفت هاي خرد و كوچكي كه بعد از ترك خونواده ات، كرده اي
اونجا، تو اون شهر درندشت، داري تمرين بقا و زنده ماندن مي كني
و اين چيزي نيست كه بشه بهش گفت زندگي
اما به هر حال
به نظر مي رسه خوشحالي
من برات خوشحالم
برات آرزوي شانس مي كنم، و كمي عقل در مورد نحوهء معاش و فعاليت هاي كاري و اقتصاديت
و اميدوارم در كنار Ritt، بتوني روزهاي خوبي رو باهاش سپري كني.
اون دختر نازنيني به نظر ميرسه
خيلي دوست دارم يه روز باهاش ملاقات كنم!

مواظب خودت باش پسر!

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

630
Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda?i

Idiot Does Not understand Women
And He Doesn't Understand Chinese At All!i

ايديت زن ها رو درك نمي كنه
و زبان چيني رو اصلا درك نمي كنه!

Saturday, January 05, 2008

629
Let My Home Be My Gallows

i"Opera", Is Another Form of "Metal" Music!

If you don't really Understand this,
You probably have not tasted The Pleasure of doing something,
basically considered as "a Real Crime"
- So Tiny And Adventurous though -
and The Composure Of listening to an Opera Song Afterward!

Or Maybe, Your Personality is more a "Victimized" one rather than being a "Victim Chooser" or maybeee...
You lose your Nerve and control So Soon unfortunately, over any Unpleasant thing you face!

You know?
Loneliness, Solitude and Silence Make you to listen to the voices inside of you
And These inner voices, They All Talk Evil
Which Can Finally End you up in Iniquity and Villainy.

So Let Me Proudly introduce myself to you in this very special Moment:
I AM One Of The Lonliest Men In The World

Yours
Dr. I-I

"اپرا"، نوع ديگري از موسيقي "متال" است!

اگر شما اين موضوع رو درك نمي كنيد
احتمال زياد هنوز لذت انجام دادن يك عمل
كه به طور كلي واقعا "جرم" تلقي ميشه
- اگر چه خيلي كوچولو (!) و ماجراجويانه -
و آرامش گوش كردن به يك موزيك اپرايي بعدش رو نچشيديد!

يا شايد، شما شخصيتي "قرباني شونده" داريد تااااا بعضا "قرباني كننده" و يااااا...
شما متاسفانه در مواجهه با هر موضوع نا خوشايندي، كنترل اعصاب تان را سريع از دست مي دهيد!

مي دانيد؟
تنهايي و سكوت، آدم را به شنيدن صداهاي درونش وا مي دارد
و اين صداها همه از بدذاتي مي گويند
كه در نهايت مي توانند به "شرارت" منتهي شوند.

پس بگذاريد در اين لحظهء استثنايي، با كمال افتخار، خودم را به شما معرفي كنم:
من در حال حاضر يكي از تنها ترين مردان دنيام!

امضا: دكتر I-I
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